Wow. Two posts in as many days? Kind of a rare occurence for me.
Before I go into what I'm about to talk about, I want to warn you ["you" being the incredibly unlikely reader of this blog]; if you are the kind of person that is not interested in whiny posts laden with 'woe is me' type of talk, then keep on walking. Some days I write about music, or painting, or faith, or decisions, or whatever. Today I'm going to write about how I've had a tough time lately. Catharsis and all that.
So... it's been kind of a tough week. I had a date on Monday. Yeah, I know, it's not often that a "oh my life is so difficult" type thought is paired with "I had a date." But asi es la vida.
It was a date with a girl that I had been wanting to go out with for a while. We went to see a play, and had dinner and all that, and it was actually a pretty good date, I thought. I had a really good time, and she seemed to have a good time also. I would have no reason to think it wasn't a good date, except for the end, when we stood out in front of her door. I had intended to say something along the lines of "Hey, I had a good time, we should do this again." Hopefully more charming than that, but whatever. But when I would have said it, something held me back. It just didn't feel right to say that.
Frustration! The whole date went much better than I even really thought it would, and now, when I'm supposed to petition for the continuation of dates, I have some stupor of thought, as it were. And what now? How can I find out how she felt about the date? I can't, as far as I'm aware. I don't have an "in" to her apartment in the way of a good friend who is her roommate, and she and I really don't hang out in the same circle of friends much. So... what to do.
"Well, you moron," the hypothetical reader might say to me, if he were a bit rude, "you could just ask her out again. If she says yes, she obviously had an okay time."
"Yes, inconsiderate reader," I might say, "you're right. That's an option. Hopefully I'll work up the gumption to do that."
See... something else has been on my mind lately, too. A while back I was going out with this girl (it should be made clear that, according to certain details that I cannot, for the sake of decency and others' privacy, divulge, she might object to the term "going out," if she were reading this. I only use the term loosely, and because I don't have a better word for whatever it was), and it seemed to be going really well to me. Because of some comments she made (which either I misinterpreted or she later changed her mind against), I thought we were basically dating. Long story short (because Heaven knows she doesn't care to hear the long version [and Heaven only knows why]), I tried to talk to her about it. About a day and a half later, she said she didn't want to go out with me at all anymore.
I went through what is, for me, a pretty standard cycle of grief. I was confused, hurt, self-conscious, and really wanted to change the situation despite the fact that, as far as I could see, there was no changing to be done. After about a week or so (and after one blog post post I retracted and a couple of songs written about it), I was feeling alright about it. I mean, I was still pretty bummed, but I was getting over it.
Since then... well, it's been up and down. Sometimes for a week or so I'm doing just fine. Sometimes great. But there are days when I... I just miss her. We went really well together, I thought. She seemed to agree, right up till the end. I miss being able to talk to her whenever I wanted, and I miss visiting her at her apartment and talking about all kinds of things. I miss going out on dates with her and feeling like we both wanted to be there.
There's a lot more to this story, by the way. My side of the story is very long, and confused, and self-conscious, although I think that, given the circumstances, what I did was perfectly understandable and reasonable. I don't know how she feels about the situtaion because she won't talk to me anymore. Not much I can do about that, it seems like.
Another thing to clarify: I don't have any hard feelings toward her. I imagine she must have had good reasons for what she did and what she is doing/not doing. I just don't know what those reasons are, and that's frustrating. I still think she's a wonderful person. That's part of why this sucks so much; I still think she's great, but now I can't be around her anymore.
Some days, it's just hard. It's hard to want and to be so unwanted (or, at least, to feel as such). Not really sure what to do about it, honestly. But, I'll either figure it out or I won't, and that's pretty much that.
Anyway, I needed to write about that. It's not better now, and I don't even feel particularly better about it. But... I don't know. I guess writing about it can't hurt, at this point, right?
Thanks for reading, hypothetical reader. And thanks for not calling me a moron again. I would probably be offended if I weren't the one writing your lines.
No comments:
Post a Comment