Maybe I Prefer the Belly of the Beast [or, Crushing Grapes in the Cellar]

Wow.  It's been over a year since my last post on here.  Honestly, for quite a while I had essentially forgotten that this blog existed.  In fact, when I tried to sign in again, it took me a good fifteen minutes or thenabouts to get it all remembered and figured out.  So, that's cool.
And yeah, this is basically for you, ש.  I'm pretty sure you're the only one who's going to read this, which, honestly, makes this all a little different from the last BEAST.  Before, I knew it was just for me, to get all this out.  Now, it's still for that, sure, but it's also so that somebody who understands one side of the story (I assume) will also see the other side of it a bit more clearly.  There's a decent chance you already know everything I'm about to vent about.  Maybe not, but que sera sera.

This is a bad idea.

I should be studying.  WHATEVER.

REQUISITE NOTES:
1.  This is going to be LONG.  I don't know if it'll be as long as the last BEAST was, but it very well could be.  I'm a writer.  I think I have the same sorts of feelings as everyone else, but it takes me longer to say them, I guess.  Maybe because I know how many words there are (in a general sense) so I want to make sure I use the write ones.  It's a problem sometimes. 
2.  This is going to be a whiny post (are there any others?), but not in the same way.  Well, not in a terribly different way, either, but still not the same.  I haven't been wronged by anyone, and, while that wasn't the point of the last BEAST, it was kind of a part of it.  Not the case here.
3.  This is going to be a bit more disjointed than the last one.  That one kind of ran more like a narrative, and this one will be jumping around some more.  I'm not sure why, that's just how it's developing.  Trouble is, that might make it harder to follow.  I hope not, but there you have it.
4.  I will likely say some things in here that are unexpected.  I hope that's okay.  I want to be as honest as possible.  Why the hell I want to be that honest, I have no idea.  Well, that's a lie, I know exactly why, but I feel like if I say it, that might stop it from happening.  Also, it sounds so silly and junior-high-ish when I say it out loud.  Goodness I am such a child.
5.  Note number 4 being said, this probably does need to be said, but I'll say it anyway.  This is a touchy subject at the moment.  Any information gleaned herein should be used carefully, not in a cavalier fashion.  Thanks in advance.

Oh, and I'm going to try to keep this the same as the others, as far as format is concerned.  Addressed to an unnamed, assumed reader, rather than a specific one (ש, for example).  Alright.

Le sigh.

Here we go.

So, some background.  The perpetuatrix of the last BEAST (*) and I went through another chapter or two, actually, and I even considered blogging about it, but I didn't.  I think at one time I was going to put another [EDITOR'S NOTE] at the top of it, just to say "Hey!  This was AWFUL!" or something, but it didn't end up happening.  So much the better, maybe. 
So much the insignificant, probably.
Anyway, that all wrapped up around the beginning of Fall semester, and it's done now.  We don't talk anymore, but honestly I'm fine with that.  My spiritual infrastructure was pretty ruined after it, and there are bridges back there what don't need rebuilding.  Then there was a little thing with ♫ (goodness, I am running out of meaningful symbols here), but that was honestly no big deal. 
Other than that, though... this year was a bit of a drought.  An extended dry spell.  I feel like there was other persuits I made, but they were half-hearted at best. 
I was tired.  I didn't want to do another last year.
As a consequence, there's really not much to talk about for most of the year.  That brings us to Winter semester, post-Christmasthyme.
It brings us to ∞. 
(Okay, honestly, I tried to come up with a better symbol.  I know, I know, this one does seem a bit cheesy, cliche, and I bet she would think it was stupid [among other things].  Just know that I've got reasons, despite that I won't tell you what they are)
∞ and I didn't know each other terribly well.  We'd hung out sometimes, and our apartments exchanged their own comings and goings, but ∞ was dating someone else, and so was understandably distant.  Not in a snooty way or anything, just in that I didn't see her all that often.  FHE, my own (very) occasional visits to her apartment, and that was about it. 
Eventually, I heard that ∞ and her significant other had split ways.  I honestly didn't think much of it; we didn't really know each other that well, so it was no big deal.
Shortly thereafter, however, ∞ and ש came by to visit.  I think it was after band practice or something (by the way, unrelated, but some cool things are happening, music-wise.  Actually, it's not all that unrelated, and there's a decent chance it'll make it into this post later on.  You'll just have to stay tuned!), and it turned out that ∞ was actually pretty dang cool.  I think she came over at around ten, and ש left around midnight, but ∞ didn't leave until nearly three in the morning.  We talked about EVERYTHING.  Movies, music, politics, languages, history, our own lives, the incredible places she'd been, the comparatively (and objectively) droll and dreary places I'd been.  Five hours, the two of us just talking.
Marvelous.
Honestly, I loved it.  It had been a really long time since I felt that sort of connection with someone (you might argue it had been forever, but I don't know if I care to right now). 
Now, don't get the wrong idea.  I wasn't thinking "OMG this girl is totally into me we should be all loveytimes and date and whatever."  That wasn't really on my mind.  I mean, I can't say for sure that it never crossed my mind, but if it did, it was only a minor player in my thoughts.
∞ started coming over fairly regularly for a while.  Actually, there was a time that I was nervous that she was interested in Sp (and actually, there was a time that she was, I later learned; but that soon passed). 
STORY THYME:  This is where I tell you, assumed reader (wink), a few stories that will hopefully help to give some background and make my positions more understandable.  I don't want to get to the end of the story, where I will almost undoubtedly say "Boo hoo hoo woe is me how come life sux so bad" without giving my assumed reader any reason to agree with me.
So.
Story Number One.
One night, ∞ texts me.  Can we hang out? she asks.  Haha, um, of course? I say.  So we end up inaugurating a new "thing":  we went on a walk.  We walked through neighborhoods, through an intriguingly silent parking lot, over a dangerous stretch of road, around some apartments, and past some shops before getting home.  Maybe an hour, hour and a half.  ∞ told me about her life and her family and her work and her past and her future.  I told her mine, inasmuch as there was anything remarkable to tell.  It was pretty great.
We went on a lot of walks over the next few weeks.  We walked around the field across the street, past the hospital, down to the grocery store for apple and butterscotch beers, we walked past the park that she put on a play at.  We walked past the white smoke stacks of the power plant.  We walked through downtown, past the music clubs, past the police station, past the railroad tracks.  We walked through neighborhoods that seemed like they'd been abandoned ever since they were built in the Seventies.  We'll come back to that particular evening, actually.  The point is, we walked literally all over town, usually for a few hours at a time, and talked about everything and anything while doing it.
Marvelous.
Story Number Two.
This is a more specific instance, but I think about it more often than you'd think.  One day I was walking home from school and got into the apartment complex wherein I live, and ∞ was there doing laundry or something.  She stepped out of the laundry room and caught my attention, and we talked for a minute out there before she said she wanted to go inside and bade me follow.
We went and spent maybe two hours in her apartment just talking again.  We talked about classes and [Alemania] and language and other things, I don't remember it all.  It was just nice.  It felt good.  I don't know.
Is it wrong of me to think this way?  I hope not.  Yeah, I was developing a crush on her.  I love[d] spending time with her, and it just felt good.  BUT really I feel weird saying that.  I hadn't made anything that could be reasonably called a "move" or anything, other than spending a lot of time with her.  I guess that's the concern, so let's take a short detour:

Here's the issue I have here.  I fear it's wrong, or sick, or creepy, or whatever, of me to think "Hey, maybe someting more can come of this" when I hadn't done anything beyond what I've said.  Part of me feared (and still fears) that if I try to expand this friendship into something more, her reaction might be something along the lines of "What?  That's all our friendship was to you?  You only spent time with me in the hopes of getting me to date you?"
YES!  YES!  and NO!  NO!  And again HELL YES.  But still, NO!  I mean, no, I appreciated the friendship for what it is and was, and I loved that.  Honestly, I did and do, and I would have been friends with her even if I hadn't been attracted to her, I promise (though, in the interest of honesty, it would almost certainly have been quite different).  But OF COURSE I wanted more.  Why wouldn't I?  That's a perfectly natural and understandable and reasonable desire to have, I think.  I didn't know how to go about it, though, because seriously, I was afraid that the traditional route would go:
"Hey, would you like to go out sometime?  Like on a date or something?"
EITHER
"Is that the only reason you've been spending time with me?  To get a date?"
OR
"Ew, um, no, I don't, and now that you've made it awkward, we probably shouldn't hang out at all."
I don't think that these were unreasonable outcomes to expect, my experiences considered.
Yes, she's different from the others.
Maybe it would have been different.
But it's hard to think that way, you know?  Much easier to fear than to hope.
Okay, so, back to the story.
We're going to jump ahead now.
WAIT.  Above, I said I hadn't made any sort of "move" toward dating, which isn't, strictly-speaking, true.  I did ask her on a date once, and she even said yes, but ended up having to work.  I know that's not a big thing, but one of my biggest fears about writing this at all is the idea that all it's going to do is expose me as a creeper who watches from afar and does nothing and feels entitled to romance or fulfillment or whatever despite himself.
Trust me, I do not feel entitled to anything. 
Usually quite the opposite.
Okay, now back to the story, and the jumping ahead.
Story Number Three
One time I got to have Sunday dinner at her parents' house.  Her dad was out of town, but I met her mom and her brother (both of whom were great).  Dinner was awesome, and I got to talk to her brother about such nerdy things as 40k, of all things!
Okay, can I just say for a moment:
This girl is something else.  You can't make this up.
1. Personally knows (or knows someone who knows) several prominent local musicians who I deeply respect and look up to.
2.  Fascinated by languages and other cultures.
3.  Swears like a sailor sometimes.  She's working on it, but whatever.
4.  She plays friggin' D&D.  I mean, not that I do, obviously, 'cause whatever, but come on.  That's incredible.  And her brother plays Warhammer.  Good heavens, good heavens, good heavens.
5.  Makes me feel great sometimes, like a moron other times, but in an endearing way?  Hard to explain.  But whatever.  It's great.
Story Number Four 
There was one period of about two weeks that we spent some time together every night.
Friggin' marvelous.
Friday night, ∞ and ש (and one other person who I am sorry to say I can't remember) came to see my band play for the first time.  It was a great show, and I felt great about it.  After our set I went to sit with them, which was great.
∞ had got a text from some guy, I guess, about going to see a movie.  This part, I'm not super clear on because I only got a little bit of information gleaned from things said to others, so I might get this story wrong, but here's how I understood it:  she didn't have any plans that night after the show, and so agreed to go.  Later on, ש and mystery other friend left, leaving me and ∞ at a table together sharing my rootbeer bottle and talking about how the band who played after me was really not very good at all.  Awesome.  And then, at some point, she wasn't going to the movie anymore.  So she helped me carry some gear out to my car after the show and I drove her home.  She hung her feet out the window and I smiled.
After we got home, I texted her.  So anyway, I'm going to go for a walk after all, I said.  Want to come along? 
Only if we walk to somewhere where ice cream is, she says.  I smiled again.
So we walk over to the malt shop and get some ice cream.  She off-handedly mentions that every guy she had ended up dating had taken her to the malt shop.  I know, I know, I know, she almost certainly meant nothing by it, but I'm sorry, that stuck in my mind.  I couldn't not think that was significant.
We left the malt shop and kept walking, eventually ending up in that Seventies-style neighborhood I mentioned earlier.  We found a small plot of undeveloped land wherein sat a gazebo, and we spent maybe half an hour to an hour sitting in the gazebo, looking out over the city, watching the moon come up over the mountains, and talking about everything.
How can a person not be affected by moments like that?  I'm sorry.  I don't know what else to do.
That Monday night was the Ward Musical Talent Show, which I organized.  I played a song there that wasn't specifically written for her, but I couldn't help but think about her when I sang it.  Just who I am, I guess.  I tried not to look at her when I sang it, because I was a little nervous that she would be like "Oh, gosh, he's singing about me, awkward."  But I did look, once, and she didn't look uncomfortable or awkward, so there you go.
That night we raced eachother home (who won depends on who you ask, and I say she and ש cheated, but whatever), and so she spent some time at my place.  Again, ש left first (she even told ∞ that she should also leave at that time, but ∞ didn't want to).  Jr was also in the apartment with a ladyfriend, and so eventually ∞ and I ended up out on the bench. 
It was raining.  She says she loves the rain, so when I'm with her, I love it too.
She told me I should get my guitar, so I did.  I told her a story I had read the day before and played music with it, and I played a few songs while we talked, and by an hour or so into it, I was just playing softly and she was sitting silently next to me. 
I wasn't sure if she was just listening or if I should talk to her or what.  I wanted to put my arm around her, but I didn't.  I wasn't sure if that would be too much, or what.  It's hard to tell sometimes, you know?  So I didn't.  But I did say something along the lines of "You look cold."
I know.
Friggin' Casanova, over here.
She said she was, and she should probably get home (it was probably around twelve thirty or so by this point), and I (reluctantly) agreed. 
The next night, I'm pretty sure, Jr and I were at ∞'s place because she and ש wanted to play a game about diseases that I swear is not that fun, and I don't believe ∞ when she says she's won it all the time, because I have never seen anyone win it, but anyway.  So, after losing this game (btw, I just lost the game and so did you), and at a loss for other things to do, Jr and ש and ∞ and I decided to go to this abandoned (supp. haunted) jail outside of town.  Jr and I had been in it before, so we took them there and went in.
It's a cool place.  While we were there, everyone was a little spooked (there were a couple things we found that even spooked me, despite my having been there before), and we wanted to stay together, so ∞ took my hand.
I know, I know, I know!  It wasn't a big deal.  She wasn't all puppy-dog eyes at me or whatever.  She wasn't all "ooh big strong man protect me oooooh" or whatever.  I'm not saying she was, or that I thought she was.
It was just kinda nice, is all.
Sorry.
So, for about two weeks, we spent time together every night, at least an hour or so.  Not in a hands-holding, makey-outey type of way, of course, though I wouldn't have been opposed.  Though, as I've noted, there were some moments that I couldn't help feeling were evocative of... something more.

ש called ∞ my best friend once.  ∞ wasn't there, of course.  Although I wonder if she's said similar things to ∞ while I'm not there?  No idea.  Anyway, that's what she said to me.  I'm pretty sure it was in jest, but it was weird.  Not in a bad way, but like, in a oh my gosh do you know that I have this debilitating crush on your roommate?  Am I that obvious?  Is this a bad thing or a good thing?  Oh well.  Back to story time?

There are other stories I could tell.  Like maybe the time we went to Denny's when it was already really late just because she wanted to.
Or the time I ran into her as I was walking home and she was late for the bus, so I gave her a ride to work that afternoon.  
Or the time we took a walk when she was already pretty tired and she got so loopy around the time we reached the railroad tracks that we had to turn back and I was afraid she would fall into oncoming traffic, so I walked between her and the road. 
Or the time she got these big black boots, and she was so proud of them, and I couldn't help but smile. 
Or the time we went and checked out that other haunted house, in Spanish Fork, and wandered around the countryside entirely lost for probably close to an hour, and she apologized every two minutes for getting us lost, but I loved every moment of it.
Or the time she made me shave off my mustache (which several people had complimented me on just that day, thank you very much) for fear her dad would... get mad at me for it?  Or something?  I didn't really understand that one.
But I'm not going to tell those stories, because there's still a lot to cover and this is already getting way too long.  Suffice it to say that they exist, and they all contributed to this feeling I had.  Sort of a pre-nostalgia mixed with... oh gosh.  Heartache.  Wow, that feels so cheesy to say.  But I'm betting you know what I mean, assumed reader.
See, here's the trouble.  She's leaving.  She's going off to do something amazing.  She's actually leaving fairly soon, and it's always getting sooner. 
Don't get me wrong!  I love that she wants to do this.  Really!  It'll be such a wonderful experience for her, and she should be excited.  I really do mean that.  That being said, though, it would be dishonest to say I wasn't really bummed about it.  And I'm a little pissed at... I don't know, fate, I guess? for putting someone this great into my path and then saying "Hey, kid, I don't care whether this would normally work or not, you don't get to find out."  I mean, there's nothing I can do about it, and even if there was, it wouldn't be right for me to do anything toward stopping it.
And it SHOULD be that way!  How I feel about her and about this whole mess should have ABSOLUTELY NO BEARING on whether she wants to go or not!  I have no right to even feel this way! 
Okay, detour time.

This is something that I actually feel a lot of guilt about.  Do I wish she would stay?  Well, yeah, of course I do.  I'm not saying that it's what she should do, necessarily.  I wouldn't presume to know or say that sort of thing.  But it's what I wish she would do.  And that makes me feel awful, because what right do I have to have opinions about such things?  It's not like we're dating or anything.  She has no obligation to me. 
I don't have any right to miss her as much as I'm going to.
You might think that I'm making a bigger deal out of that than it is.  And you're probably right.  But it's tough to unfeel things once you've felt them.

Back to story time.
Story Number Five
So!  I love ∞'s taste in music.  Serious.  When I found out that she was probably a bigger Joshua James fan than I am, I was both stunned and elated. 
Marvelous.
So, I said, we should go see that show.  She agreed.  Well, actually, first I called her and left a message (seeing as she didn't answer), which may have been the most awkward and embarrassing messages of my entire life.  Nonetheless, when I saw her next she said she would get work off and we'd be able to go to the show.  She was able to get work off, and so I went and bought the tickets.  I was a little nervous about that.  We hadn't called it a date, but what I was doing clearly pushed it basically into 'date' territory, as long as she didn't insist on reimbursing me for the ticket (which she didn't, thank goodness). 
When she found out I bought the tickets, I couldn't tell if she was put off by that or not at first.  Now I don't think she was, or at least, if she was, she got over it, but at the time I was a little concerned that my decision was going to make it an awkward night, with her being all "hey, this isn't a date, just so you know.  Don't be thinking you're getting somewhere with me or whatever" and me being all "oh, yeah, that's totally cool, whatever, I don't even care about that," which would have been a colossal lie, and would have made it an awkward night.
It was not.  Holy gosh, it was great.  First of all, the show was phenomenal.  Just incredible.  It always is, of course, but this was especially good. 
And she wasn't awkward and neither was I (or so I think!  I guess maybe I was without realizing it?  But anyway).  She was a little pissed about something that happened at work, but we still had a great time, I think.  We loved the music, and talked a lot.  We went and got frosties afterward, and ate them in the car, and just talked for a bit before heading in. 
Marvelous.
Oh, wait, here's another detour:

So, the things we had done previous to this weren't really dates.  Our walks and the trip to the malt shop were certainly date-like, in that they shared certain characteristics of dates, but they weren't dates, strictly-speaking.  I feel like they were more like what people who are dating do on a more regular basis. 
Just talking a walk. 
Just going to a show. 
Just talking on a bench in the rain with a guitar.
Just getting some ice cream. 
Just, you know, watching the moon rise from a gazebo overlooking the city.
Friggin' Casanova over here.
Whatever.
And on these date-like excursions, I acted a certain way.  I mean, don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that I put up a front or that I made up things or I tried to be all cool or whatever.  I just mean that I didn't try to hold her hand or walk her to her door; I did that once, and I would usually walk her to her stairs and make sure she got home, but I didn't walk her right to the door because that's what you do on a DATE and then you hug, and is that appropriate for right now?  I HAVE NO IDEA.  I never do.  So I didn't do it. 
But THIS was different.  This was now a DATE (or, at least, I'm pretty sure she'd agree about that.  As you've seen from my previous posts, though, I'm pretty awful at understanding the mind of whichever lady I'm interested in, and it's never been harder than this).  Was I supposed to act different?  Should I try to hold her hand?  Or at least put my hand on her shoulder or something?  Or should I act just like I had before? 
I never have any idea how to act in these situations.
Anyway.  Detour over.
Back to story time!

Not really.  That's about the end of story time.  The whole thing boils down to this:  I have a crush on a girl.  I really, really like her a lot.  I have no idea whether she feels anything similar, and I can't see a tactful way of finding out without imposing on her roommates to basically spy for me.  Which, by the way, if the would do, I would be eternally grateful.  Hint.  But I cannot explicitly ask it of them.  I would feel... I dunno.  I can't do that.  It's against my rules.
Now, you might say, "Well, you could just ask her, right?  I mean, what's the big deal?" you might say, as if you've never experienced this before in your life. 
I can't ask her for a million stupid reasons and one (I think) good one: either she says no, which sucks and makes everything super awkward, or she says yes and then what?  What comes after that?  Either she says "I like you too but too bad I'm still leaving, sorry, maybe I'll see you in eighteen months" or I'm basically asking her to change her plans around for me, who should have nothing to do with her plan-making (see above). 
Anyway.
So I have a crush on this girl.
Marvelous.
Not really sure what to do about it.
Chances are, the best thing to do is nothing.  For now, at least.
But of course, I can't help but wonder if (or hope) action wouldn't be better.
I mean, it probably wouldn't be.  But what the hell do I know?
Friggin' Casanova over here.
Whatever.
This might end up just raising more questions (hopefully not problems) than it answers.  With the last BEAST, I wrote it all out because I hoped that would help me get over it.  I don't have any such ideas attached to this one.  That's not really the point.  Is there a point to this?  I guess that remains to be seen.  So we'll see.

I sure hope so, though.  I really should have been studying this whole dang time.
-A

p.s.: I mentioned earlier something cool happening music-wise, but I decided not to say anything just yet.  When you find out what it is, you'll know how it related to all this [and it turned out to be only minorly related, so no worries].

I Swear, I'm Not A Bad Friend.

Man, three posts? I must have a lot to say. Or, perhaps I just think I do. No way I'll be able to keep this up. Oh well.

When you have a friend, that means a lot of things about the relationship the two of you share. Presumably, it is mutually beneficial, in the sense that you both gain something from having it. If it were not so, and you didn't gain anything from having the friendship, it stands to reason that you wouldn't have that friendship, if only because you would not be compelled to maintain it and it would fall into disrepair.
But, one byproduct of this friend relationship is that you are compelled to "want the best" for your friend. We're not going to delve too deeply into what it means to want the best for someone; suffice it to say that you want them to be happy, whatever that means specifically. You want them to be happy with the way things are going in their life.
I do not disagree with this, of course. I think this is common, natural, and appropriate. However, something interesting has come to my attention lately: I've been growing increasingly aware of an aspect of my friends' lives wherein I am annoyed when they do well.
It's dating.
I'm admitting to being a bit annoyed when my friends are doing well with the ladies.
Now, let me address what is undoubtedly you judging me as a bad friend. I am not entirely annoyed by this success; I truly am happy that my friend is happy. Or, rather, I am happy for him. I'm not annoyed by this because he's getting something that I want and am not receiving (although that's certainly the case). Let me explain.
When I moved out here to Utah, I gained a certain group of friends within the first few months. Eventually, my group of friends consisted of: A, B, Ar, S, and J. Of course I had other friends, but these were the closest guy friends that I had. Not terriby long ago, A got married. That was a wonderful thing for him, of course, and I'll admit that I was a little bummed that I wouldn't be seeing him as often, but it was alright. I had other friends to fall back on (actually, at the time, I had what I thought was promising ladying going on, which softened the issue).
Recently, though, things have gotten more difficult. B just got engaged. Ar and S are in committed relationships (to various degrees of committment, and with their own unique intricacies), and J looks like he's stepping into one as well.
If I am a good friend, I want the best for my friends, right? Presumably, in the realm of dating, this means that I want their relationships to be successful. But if their relationships are successful, then our friendships are going to pay a price for that. Perhaps that doesn't mean that I will lose the friendships, but, in most of these cases, it does likely mean that I will rarely, if ever, see my friends. Ours will be restricted to facebook friendships, where occasionally we'll see eachother at a show or on campus, but no more. They just won't have time.
Now, let me be clear: I'm not saying that these friends of mine owe it to me to fail in these relationships. That's obviously absurd. I'm not saying that, when a friend gets married, I'm being wronged. Not at all. It's what they should be doing. I am saying, however, that when a friend gets married, I have an undeniable, and (I think) natural reaction that something bad is happeneing to me, and that the triggering event is regrettable.
I am now put in the unenviable position of hoping, somewhere deep inside me, for the failure of my friends' relationships. I am, understandably, ashamed of this feeling, but it remains nonetheless.
So, what do I do about this? Do I request that my friend stop dating people until I'm in a serious committed relationship, and THEN he's allowed to go out and do the same? Of course not. Do I intentionally sabotage his relationships so that I no longer have this problem? Absolutely not. There is no possible outcome of that situation that is good for anyone.
So, what do I do, then? Unfortunately, the answer seems to be that I continue to try to find my own happiness (in this example, a serious committed relationship). That basically means that I keep doing what I'm doing. It likely also means that I ought to step up my game on that, but no major course changes are necessary.
Then, it must seem like I've spent all this time talking about a shameful problem that I'm dealing with, only to come to the conclusion that no real change must be made. What point was there in talking about this at all, then? What purpose was served?
It's a purpose that I come back to time and time again, because, apparently, I think it's important. Self-Knowledge. I think it's important to know yourself. This is an issue (among many others) that has been weighing heavily on my mind the past little while, and it's one that I've never heard addressed before, so I wanted to tackle it.
That's what's happening in my mind.
That's why I think it's happening.
That's... really the point of this whole thing.

I've Been Ramming My Head Into This Same Wall For Weeks Now

Wow. Two posts in as many days? Kind of a rare occurence for me.

Before I go into what I'm about to talk about, I want to warn you ["you" being the incredibly unlikely reader of this blog]; if you are the kind of person that is not interested in whiny posts laden with 'woe is me' type of talk, then keep on walking. Some days I write about music, or painting, or faith, or decisions, or whatever. Today I'm going to write about how I've had a tough time lately. Catharsis and all that.

So... it's been kind of a tough week. I had a date on Monday. Yeah, I know, it's not often that a "oh my life is so difficult" type thought is paired with "I had a date." But asi es la vida.

It was a date with a girl that I had been wanting to go out with for a while. We went to see a play, and had dinner and all that, and it was actually a pretty good date, I thought. I had a really good time, and she seemed to have a good time also. I would have no reason to think it wasn't a good date, except for the end, when we stood out in front of her door. I had intended to say something along the lines of "Hey, I had a good time, we should do this again." Hopefully more charming than that, but whatever. But when I would have said it, something held me back. It just didn't feel right to say that.
Frustration! The whole date went much better than I even really thought it would, and now, when I'm supposed to petition for the continuation of dates, I have some stupor of thought, as it were. And what now? How can I find out how she felt about the date? I can't, as far as I'm aware. I don't have an "in" to her apartment in the way of a good friend who is her roommate, and she and I really don't hang out in the same circle of friends much. So... what to do.
"Well, you moron," the hypothetical reader might say to me, if he were a bit rude, "you could just ask her out again. If she says yes, she obviously had an okay time."
"Yes, inconsiderate reader," I might say, "you're right. That's an option. Hopefully I'll work up the gumption to do that."

See... something else has been on my mind lately, too. A while back I was going out with this girl (it should be made clear that, according to certain details that I cannot, for the sake of decency and others' privacy, divulge, she might object to the term "going out," if she were reading this. I only use the term loosely, and because I don't have a better word for whatever it was), and it seemed to be going really well to me. Because of some comments she made (which either I misinterpreted or she later changed her mind against), I thought we were basically dating. Long story short (because Heaven knows she doesn't care to hear the long version [and Heaven only knows why]), I tried to talk to her about it. About a day and a half later, she said she didn't want to go out with me at all anymore.
I went through what is, for me, a pretty standard cycle of grief. I was confused, hurt, self-conscious, and really wanted to change the situation despite the fact that, as far as I could see, there was no changing to be done. After about a week or so (and after one blog post post I retracted and a couple of songs written about it), I was feeling alright about it. I mean, I was still pretty bummed, but I was getting over it.
Since then... well, it's been up and down. Sometimes for a week or so I'm doing just fine. Sometimes great. But there are days when I... I just miss her. We went really well together, I thought. She seemed to agree, right up till the end. I miss being able to talk to her whenever I wanted, and I miss visiting her at her apartment and talking about all kinds of things. I miss going out on dates with her and feeling like we both wanted to be there.
There's a lot more to this story, by the way. My side of the story is very long, and confused, and self-conscious, although I think that, given the circumstances, what I did was perfectly understandable and reasonable. I don't know how she feels about the situtaion because she won't talk to me anymore. Not much I can do about that, it seems like.
Another thing to clarify: I don't have any hard feelings toward her. I imagine she must have had good reasons for what she did and what she is doing/not doing. I just don't know what those reasons are, and that's frustrating. I still think she's a wonderful person. That's part of why this sucks so much; I still think she's great, but now I can't be around her anymore.
Some days, it's just hard. It's hard to want and to be so unwanted (or, at least, to feel as such). Not really sure what to do about it, honestly. But, I'll either figure it out or I won't, and that's pretty much that.
Anyway, I needed to write about that. It's not better now, and I don't even feel particularly better about it. But... I don't know. I guess writing about it can't hurt, at this point, right?
Thanks for reading, hypothetical reader. And thanks for not calling me a moron again. I would probably be offended if I weren't the one writing your lines.

Life: English is History

Sorry, it's been a while since I last posted. I don't know who I'm apologizing to. An empty room? The dust-laden corridors of this lonely corner of the interwebs? Seems pretty likely.
Has anything been going on in my life since the last time I posted? Hahaha, yeah. Yes, life has been showing its head around these parts pretty often, sometimes with good gifts (for example, Crazy Old Maurice will be releasing its first album soon, and I'm hecka excited about that), other times with gut-punches that still linger (of which I've been tempted to post about on here, but have [more or less] refrained from doing out of respect to people's privacy [I actually wrote out a really long blog post about this, but took it down. I've still got it but I can't imagine that I'd post it]).
I know that, so far, this post has been so ambiguous as to basically not be saying anything at all, but... oh well? I'll be honest, I'd love to let go and release all of my thoughts and feelings on here, but, you know what? That's not going to help anything. And, as much as I claim otherwise, occasionally somebody might find their way on here and read this, and they're not going to want to read about my failures, pitfalls, and heartaches. Asi dice la experiencia, por lo menos.
Okay, now that that's out of my system, I'll tell you about some other things that are going on in my life that are, perhaps, neither good nor bad. You can decide, if you want.
So, first off, I'm trying to stay here for the summer. The plan when I came out here was that I would go to school until the winter semester was over and then go back to Ohio to work for the summer, to support myself in the next year. When I made that plan, I did not have a band or a girlfriend I was committed to. Now, I still don't have a girlfriend, but I do have a band, and I don't want to up and leave this place when we could be doing so much good work if I were here.
Trouble is, that means I'm going to have to miss out on some of the things I wanted to do over the summer; specifically, at least one friend's wedding. That's tough. I've been really good friends with this guy for about eight years, and I love him and his fiancee, and it would be really hard to miss that. But I've got to do what feels right for me, don't I? If I feel like I should be here, then here's where I should be, right? It still feels like suck.
The second thing that's going on which is perhaps neither good nor bad is that I'm switching my major. Up to this point, since my sophomore year of high school, I've been planning on becoming an English professor. Lately though ("lately" being defined as the past year or so), English hasn't really been doing it for me. I've been looking into going somewhere else with my schooling anyway, and last semester I took a class in International Relations, and I absolutely loved it; I was particularly interested in the history parts of the class.
Based on this, and some interviews I've had with counselors, I've all but decided I'm switching my major to History. The plan will still remain the same (go to grad school, eventually end up as a professor at some university [this is all assuming the whole rock star thing doesn't work out]), it'll just be the subject that I'm dealing with that will change.
This was kind of a strange step for me. I mean, the entire path ahead of me for the rest of my life was just heavily altered. The professors I meet, the fellow students I work with here at BYU, that all changed, and along with it was the school I'll go to for post grad, and what my specialization will be, and where I'll end up working, all of that changed with this decision. Therefore, the place that I live, all the people I meet, basically every experience that I'll have for the rest of my life was just totally changed. It's a weird feeling. How many people am I never going to meet now? How many will I meet that I would never have otherwise met?
I guess it's pretty pointless to wonder about such things. I could almost certainly never know it, so not much need to worry about it, right? It's still a totally weird thing.
Anyway. So that's what's going on in my life right now. So you're all caught up now. Thanks for reading (assuming that you did)! I hope it wasn't just catastrophically boring.

A Long, Confusing, and Painfully-Familiar Story

[EDITOR'S NOTE: This blog post went up, and then came down, went up, came down, and now I'm putting it back up, mostly because I want to have it out of me, and also because I can't imagine that it's going to do any more damage than what has been done. It's a really long one, because I'm the kind of person who has a lot to say when things matter to me. I hope that those who read it do so with an open mind and heart.]

Let me tell you a story.

Oh, gosh. I'm already regretting this.


First let me warn you. This is going to be a long one. Like, a really, really long one. It'll be interesting to see how many people get offended by what I write here, entirely independent of any intention on my part. I'll probably think better of this in a couple of days and take it down, fearing that it'll somehow make things worse. I can't really imagine how that could happen, but whatever. We'll see.
Secondly let me say that these are the events as I remember them. It's possible that I got some of the details wrong, but I'm going to portray them as honestly as I can. The last thing that I want is for someone to think that I put words in their mouth.
Thirdly let me say, I don't really do this often. I'm pretty much assuming that nobody's going to see this, or, if they do, they probably already know me and so know that I'm not one to vent out in the open like this. Otherwise I would never be this detailed. And I'm not doing this to say that anyone wronged me, or that anyone is a bad person, or whatever. I don't have any angry feelings toward any of the major players, and I'm not really even trying to convince anyone to change their minds or the decisions they've made. It's just that this has been a really frustrating situation and it would be nice to get it all written down, just so I can start to get it out of my system and get over it.

Sigh.

So.

So there's this girl. For now, I'll call her * (I'm going to use puncuation marks instead of names for anonymity). I met * a few months back, and didn't really think much of it, to be honest. She seemed cool enough, but I didn't know her very well, and our friend circles didn't really overlap at all, so I didn't see her much at all, and it was no big deal.
Eventually, through mutual friends of friends in the ward, our friend-circles did overlap, and we started hanging out more. We played a board game called Nuns on the Run, which is incredibly fun, I think (although I don't know if * liked it all that much [she claimed she didn't, but it seemed like she might have been enjoying herself while we played, so I dunno]).
She seemed really cool at that point, as I slowly got to know her a bit better. We had a lot of similar interests, it seemed, and we enjoyed each other's company. She even pinned a note to my door at one point (whether it was early morning or late night I don't know, but I believe we had played Nuns on the Run the night before) with a drawing of a nun that said "this nun [hearts] you - it's her secret desire" (if you know how Nuns on the Run works this makes more sense).
That was the first time that I started thinking she might really be interested in me. Before then, we had spent some time together in groups and that was really fun, and we'd had a good time, and I probably thought she was really cool and really pretty, and I probably entertained the idea of asking her out, but I assumed that she wouldn't be interested because, well... I don't mean to sound self-deprecating, but it's just a fact that it's rare for a girl as pretty and cool as she is to be interested in me. It just doesn't happen. So I figured that was the case.
So then she pins this note to my door, which is a rather flirty note, so I decide to step it up a bit. I set up a halloween party where we watched a movie so I could sit with her, sort of testing the waters to make sure I wasn't fooling myself. That seemed to go pretty well, so I decided to ask her out on a date.
I should note here that this all took place over the course of probably a month and a half. Maybe a little more or a little less, but it would have been around that. I was probably over at her apartment at least once a week during that time, maybe two or three times on a good week. Right now I'm just going over the highlights, but there were other things that went on that led me to believe she was interested (sitting next to me at institute or church, whatnot; not that she came out and said "omg ur so hawt" or whatever, it was pretty subtle and subdued [other than that nun note; holy cow that seemed blunt! Pleasantly so, but still], but it was there, it seemed).
So! I asked her on Sunday if she would like to do something on Friday. She said yes, that would be really cool, so I said great, I'll touch base with you later on when I've got it planned out. Good night! and whatnot. I was pretty excited about this.
We actually also made plans for the next weekend to go to the Festival of Lights. That was more of a group thing than a real date, but I was still excited about it.
Anyway, I got everything planned out for our actual date, and it was good to go. Mid-week (Wednesday I think), I was at a show my band had played at and I called her from the alleyway behind the club to make sure we were still on. No answer. I left a message, just wanted to make sure we're still on, if you could call me back that'd be great.
No answer for a while. I went home after the show. Still no answer. I think I texted her after a while, we still on for Friday? Finally I get an answer.
Actually, me and [a guy I'll call ! from now on] are kinda dating now, so we probably shouldn't go out.
Oh man.
That sucks.
You couldn't have been dating for longer than a few days at this point.
Why would you do that?
Who says something like that over a text?
Can't you at least answer your phone?
These are things I was thinking and did not say back to her. I said something like, okay, well, I guess I understand. Thanks for being honest with me about it, at least.
No response. Like, ever.
It actually ended up that neither of us went to the Festival of Lights that year.
As is pretty understandable, I think, I was kinda messed up about this. I mean, not that I was weeping and writing sobby poetry in my diary or whatever, but I was pretty disillusioned. I had thought something cool was about to happen (finally!), and now nothing was going to happen. * was dating !, not me, and that was that. I was a little down for a day or two, and then I forced myself to get over it.
Let me make another note here: I don't have any hard feelings at all over this. I do think it was a pretty lame way to tell me she couldn't go out with me. I think * should have at least answered the phone and told me that way. That would have been courteous. But I assumed she was just in a tough spot, not sure how to handle it without hurting anyone's feelings. Obviously, that wasn't going to happen. I guess I just assumed she didn't know how to handle it, and didn't handle it too gracefully, but who can blame her? Who hasn't done that? I never felt like she wronged me, and I still don't.
Anyway, back to the story. Over the next... oh, what was it? A month, maybe? ! and * started dating in November, and I didn't hear from * again until early to mid December, so maybe about a month. Over the next month, I moved on. I even started looking at dating another girl, who I won't give a silly puncuation-name, because it didn't really go anywhere (although holy wow, there's another, very different story to tell there; we don't have the time right now, though).
Early to mid December, I get a random text message from * in the morning. I miss seeing you around, it said. Wow. Pretty out of the blue, right? She hasn't said a word to me, verbally or otherwise, since that text that said she was dating someone. I answered cautiously, not mentioning ! and just saying that I guess I hadn't been coming around very often. How are you? I asked. We texted back and forth for probably half an hour, catching up on life and school and whatnot. Just like old times.
Half an hour into our conversation she says, So I kinda regret not going on our date. Bam. I was not expecting that. Well yeah, me too, I respond, but it's understandable since you and ! are dating right?She goes on to explain that they won't be dating for much longer, for a variety of reasons that decency won't allow me to go into. Suffice it to say, she wanted to go out on that date with me again.
So here's what I'm feeling:
1. Surprise - holy cow, what? Where is this coming from? I was definitely not expecting anything like this. I mean, like I said, we hadn't spoken since that text, and she had always seemed perfectly content to keep it that way.
2. Annoyance - I'll admit it, I was kind of annoyed at first. I mean, she said yes to a date with me, dropped the plan when ! came along (and did so in kind of a lame way), and then as soon as things start going sour she wants me to jump back in again? Why should I have to say, how high? when she says, jump. Part of me is kinda ashamed of this reaction, and I got over it pretty quick, but again, I want to be honest here.
3. Confusion - so, what is it she's looking for? Is she just looking for a one-time thing? Does she want to try a relationship? That's what I thought we were kinda maybe sorta heading for before, but I didn't know what to think. And what about this other girl I had been kind of going after? At this point, there still seemed to be some potential. Should I just drop that? I wasn't really willing to go after both of them, for fear that it would insult either of them.
I decided to go visit her the next night. Not as a, hey what were you meaning with those texts the other day? sort of visit, just a hanging out thing. That also happened to be the night that she broke up with !, so I heard that whole story (that part was a little awkward; I wasn't sure if I was supposed to hear that, but she didn't ask me to leave when she started talking about it so I didn't). For the next couple of days we texted back and forth, just talking, not really making plans or anything. I was still feeling out what she was up to, trying to decide how to react to the whole situation.
* and I agreed to have lunch. We met at school and had lunch during finals week, a couple of days before we both would be going home for the winter break. It was pretty great. We talked better than we ever had, I felt like, and we went and walked around the book store for a bit (she showed me some of the books she would need for the next semester, and they were pretty cool stuff).
Winter break started, and we went our separate ways back to our home states. The whole time, though (and I mean, pretty much from after that lunch date to... well, till about three days ago) we were texting almost constantly. We would ask eachother how the day was going, what we were up to, how travels were going, how's home?
We talked about other things, too. Like, we talked about our plans for life, what we each wanted to do and how we wanted to affect the world and better it. We talked about our dreams (both in the literal and figurative senses), we talked about our fears (both the silly, irrational ones and the more profound ones). We talked about things that really mattered. To me, anyway.
I even told her that I had never kissed anyone before. That was a big one to me. She was asking me 'Truth or Dare' questions, and one of them was, when was your first kiss? She told me hers, and I told her that I hadn't had it yet. It was a weird moment. I kind of wished that I could lie to her and say it happened whenever and it was no big deal, but I didn't feel right lying about that. I don't know how she reacted to this, really, because it was over text, but she seemed to be okay with it. The next morning she told me about a related dream that she had. For the sake of her privacy I won't divulge the details, suffice it to say that I thought it was rather significant that she had the dream at all, and much more so that she was willing to tell me about it. This was one instance of a time when we told each other things that I considered pretty personal, that I would really only share with someone I was interested in. Maybe that was one of my misreadings of her, I don't know.
Anyway, things seemed like they were going pretty well. We made loose plans to do certain things after we got home, like visit the planetarium together, go to this museum or see that movie or whatever, and I was getting to a point where I was actually thinking this might go somewhere. That was a big thing for me, because, well... things haven't really ever gone anywhere. With anyone. I've never had what I would call a meaningful romantic relationship with a girl. Don't get me wrong, it's not for lack of interest. It's just that every time I'm in a situation where things are going well, something goes wrong. You don't have to tell me that I'm the only common factor of all these situations; believe me, I've told myself that plenty of times.
So let's fast forward a bit, to when we got home from the break. We had still been texting a lot, and things were going just as well as ever. * and I decided to go out and see a show on campus, and before that she showed me her work area at school. It was really awesome, and we both had a great time. Well, I should say that I did. I think she did, too, and she said that she did, so she probably did, but at this point I say who knows what the heck she was thinking. I'm willing to bet that I don't.
So, we decided that we should go out again. We actually had dinner later that next week on Wednesday, after which she came to see my band play on campus. It was pretty great. I really just loved spending time with her doing whatever. In fact, later that night I went over and helped her with her homework. She was sure I'd be bored out of my mind by that, but I wanted to do it anyway because I wanted to spend time with her. Actually, I found all the stuff she was working on really fascinating, but even if it had been skull-numbingly boring I would still have wanted to go, because I just wanted to spend time with her. All I knew is that I was happier when I was around her than I was when I was not around her, so I wanted to be around her.
Here's where the story is going to get complicated and, to me at least, really confusing.
Really frustrating.
And painfully familiar.
We set up another date for that Friday. We went to dinner, which was great (we spent a majority of the time talking about life and making fun of our waiter) and then visited the planetarium, and we had a great time. Oh man, it was so fun. It was definitely one of the best dates I've been on, probably just because she was so fun to be around and we shared this sciency thing that we both loved, and that allowed us to spend time together. She actually told me about a date that her roommates were planning for the next week, and we decided we'd do that too. That night we actually made plans for a few different things we wanted to do together, such as the Festival of Colors in March. This was another sign that things were going really well - she wanted to make plans with me two months in advance. That was good, right?
I'll make a note here that, when she mentioned the Festival of Colors, my mind immediately jumped to the failed promise of the Festival of Lights a while back. But I thought about it more with hope that, this time we'll go, rather than, oh sure that's what you said last time.
Anyway, so this was a great date. On the way home we were talking about a friend of hers who I've met on a couple of occasions, and how this person desperately wants to get married. This flowed into talking about relationships in general.
By this time we've made it to the parking lot.
She tells me that she hates the buildup to a relationship. You're either in one or you're not, and people should just go for it. Yes, it's scary to be so open with your feelings, she says, but it's something you need to do.
Now, as you may have guessed at this point, I was planning on asking her if she wanted to be "dating" eventually. I was planning on doing that sometime in the next month or two. I was definitely not planning on doing it that night.
But when she started talking like that, it made me think that she was hinting that I should ask her and we should be "official." Is that understandable? I feel like that's a natural assumption to make. We just finished an awesome date, and now she's talking about how people should just jump into relationships, and the buildup is something she doesn't like to deal with. Especially when you paint this with how her last relationship looked to me (it appeared to basically start in two days), and how she approached me (she approached me about our date before she even broke up with him). I believe it was only natural for me to assume that she was saying I should ask her to be "dating" me for real.
Before I go on, I'd like to point out that I recognize that I may have observed her past relationship incorrectly. As far as I know, * and ! had had dinner together once before they were dating, and then all of a sudden they were together. Maybe there was more to it than that. I'll also say that I now know that I definitely misinterpreted what she was saying at this point as we were talking in the parking lot. She wasn't hinting at what I thought she was hinting at, so I guess she was just talking. I still think, though, that my interpretation was understandable.
Now, here is where I made the first of what I think were three mistakes.
1. I did not ask her to date me right then.
If I had done that, she probably would have said that she wasn't ready for a relationship and I would have felt very embarrassed for misinterpreting her words. However, if I had done it, we would have talked about it in person and I think the situation would have been easily salvageable. We could have talked it out and discussed our feelings and how we see our situation and, even if we still decided to call things off (which, I'm not certain we would have), we would have still done so as friends.
However, as I said, I wasn't planning on asking her things like that for a while, so when she brought it up (or, when I thought she was bringing it up), it really threw me off guard and scared me a little, so I didn't say anything. I mean, I continued the conversation of course, but I didn't ask about our relationship at all. The date ended very well and I went back home happy, although a little concerned that maybe I should have asked her about that.
I resolved that what I would do is that I would ask her the next day if she would like to do something that night. If she did, then I would have the opportunity to talk to her then, and we could do it in person, and things would be great. If things had worked out that way, by the way, I think we'd still be fine right now.
The next morning I woke up and saw that she had already texted me asking if I was busy that night! What in the world was I supposed to think?! Awesome! She's obviously interested, she wants to know if I want to go on a group date to a movie that night (a sci-fi movie, by the way, because she's cool and likes that kind of thing). Well, she didn't actually use the word date, but that's what it would have been. Of course, I said I would love to.
We actually also made plans to go to the Museum of Art that afternoon, but she had a family engagement that ended up taking longer than expected, so she got home too late and we weren't going to have time to go see the movie. I suggested that we could go to my place and watch a movie there, but before we left a few other guys showed up at her place, and we ended up just talking to them for the evening. Eventually it got late and those guys and I left.
Here's where I made mistake number two, and arguably the biggest of them all.
2. I texted her that night.
Not that texting her was the problem, but here's what happened. I apologized because of how awkward that situation had been (one of the guys who came over had also been crushing on her, and she was not reciprocating but he was pretty persistent, so it was weird). I told her that I had kind of wanted to talk to her more that night.
What about? she says.
Well, I don't really want to do it over text, you know? That's kind of lame, I say.
Well, what is it?
So I tell her. Last night you said this thing that made me think that you wanted me to ask you to be dating, and it kind of caught me off guard so I didn't, but I was thinking maybe I should have, so do you want to date?
After an agonizing time, she texts back. She's not really ready for a relationship right now. She just got out of one, and wasn't ready to jump into another one. I hope you aren't mad, she says.
Of course I'm not mad, I say. I didn't tell her that I was confused and flabberghasted, though. I mean, hadn't she been the one to move on me first? Before she had even broken up with !, no less? She always seemed like she was interested. And then the other night... anyway. I told her that was fine, I understood, I would still like to keep going out with her though.
We should definitely do that, she says, because we have a great time together.
Oh good, I say. I was worried that even bringing this up would freak you out.
No, it takes a lot to freak me out, she says.
:), she says.
Crisis averted.
Right?
I'll see you at church tomorrow?
No response.
I did see her at church the next day, but things were different. Actually, they were really weird. She didn't really talk to me unless I would talk to her. When she did talk to me, because I asked her some question, she would answer me in just the same way as ever, just as happy and nice as ever. But then she wouldn't say anything to me until I talked to her first.
Later on, things got weirder. We went with the group from church to visit the hospital across the street and sing to the patients. We do this every week. We enjoy it. Actually, neither of us really enjoys it, but we do it anyway and we enjoy eachother's company at least.
Same sort of thing. She doesn't talk to me unless I start, but when she does she's just as friendly as ever.
There was one patient though, who kind of broke us out of our funk. He commented on how the two of us sang so strongly despite not having hymn books with us. We thought it was funny because we were really stumbling over the words at some parts (or, at least, I was), and we even shared a fun elbow-nudging as we left his room, grinning. We talked a lot more on the way back from the hospital than we had all the rest of the day.
After that though, we were back to awkwardness. She barely said a word to me the rest of the night. I got the chance to ask a person I'll call & what she thought I should do about it.
& said that I should probably back off a little bit, maybe not ask her to go check out the Museum on Monday like I was planning, give her a little time. & thought that she was a little freaked out because she felt like I was moving too fast.
Moving too fast? Again, she approached me before she broke up with !.
No, it takes a lot to freak me out, she said.
:), she said.
Right.
So I thanked & for her time and support. I really was grateful that she would talk to me and help me out a bit, even if it was just with advice.
Now we come to where I made my third mistake.
3. I did not follow &'s advice to the letter.
Specifically, I did ask * if she'd like to go to the Museum. Now, I seem to remember that & said her "don't ask * to the Museum" bit more like "well, I guess you could if you want, but..." sort of a way. I don't say this to show that she's wrong and I'm right or she led me astray or whatever, not at all, I only mention this to show that there was something there in my mind, a little window, that could be allowed to open. By morning I thought that if I could just do it non-committally enough, it would all be fine.
Hey, what are you up to today? I ask. I was thinking maybe we could go to the MoA later like we were talking about.
After a long while, she says, I was thinking about what we were taking about on Saturday and I don't think we should go on any more dates.
Ouch.
Okay, well, I understand why you might feel that way. I shouldn't have said the things that I did, and I'm sorry. I misinterpreted what you meant, and I thought you wanted me to do that. I wasn't going to have that kind of a conversation for a long time, but I thought you wanted to, so I did. I'm sorry for misinterpreting, but I really think we should talk about this.
Waiting.
Waiting.
Waiting.
I don't know what you mean. I don't know what I said. We have a great time together but I only saw this as a friend thing.
Hahahaha.
Okay, seriously?
Bull crap.
You came to me while you had a boyfriend and said you wanted to go out with me.
You made me tell you all those personal things that I was okay with telling you because I liked you.
You told me you had a great time on our dates.
You were the one who said you wanted me to write a song for you.
You said you wanted to do all of the things on our 2012 list, which, while it was all mostly in jest, represented to me the idea of us spending time together.
You wanted to go with me to the Festival of Colors.
Just like you wanted to go to the Festival of Lights.
You wrote the nun note that said I was [your] secret desire.
Yes, it said I was the nun's secret desire, but come on.
That's pretty blunt language. You can't say that and not know what it means to me.
These are all the things I wanted so much to say, but I didn't. What good would it do to accuse her? What could it possibly help for me to say, nuh-uh, you totally like me. Even if I was right, at that point she was probably well past admitting it. It was obvious there was not much I could do about it.
Well, if you were never interested in me, I say, then I must have misread a whole lot of things before now. I really want to talk to you in person about this. Can we please? I'd appreciate it a lot. But if not, well, then that's fine I guess. I hope I don't sound angry or anything. This is just a sucky situation, is all.
No response.I was pretty beaten, at this point, and emotionally and physically exhausted. I needed to vent about it to a friend. The two roommates that I can vent to were unavailable, so I went to another friend who lives nearby. I told him about what happened (he knew what had happened up to that morning already), and he let me vent. He said the things that everyone's friends say when something crappy happens. He said things like, girls suck, or girls are lame, or girls are fickle, or whatever. I'm sure girls say the same things about boys when it happens to them. It's not really meant to be the friend's real opinion, it's just supposed to make me feel better.
Of course, it never really works.
Whatever.
I'm going to make a mean note on her Facebook wall, he says. He was just joking around, but I still reacted to it. No way, you can't do that. That's stupid. It doesn't help anything.
He writes something out. It's poorly arranged and sounds kind of stupid, because it was meant as a joke that would not be posted, but it was still something that could be really hurtful if it was read.
No way, man.
Don't you dare post that.
You know I'm not angry at her.
You know what, by the way, my faithful reader? That was true. I wasn't angry at her. I was angry at me, of course, and at the situation, and I was certainly frustrated with her because she wasn't talking to me, but I wasn't angry at all. I was feeling just about everything else, but not angry.
He posts it.
He didn't really mean to, he accidentally clicked it, but he still did it.
He immediately deleted it, but he still did it.
I was furious.
She's going to think that I put you up to that! I shouted.
She's going to think that I was saying things like that!
She's going to think that I'm angry with her, and she's either going to get angry at me, or get really hurt by this, or both!
She won't see it, he says. It was only up there for a moment. I was still seething, but whatever damage would be done was already done. No use shouting about it anymore.
Later on, she texts me again.
No offense, but what [my friend] said was really rude.
No offense? I thought.
Why would I be offended? I agree!
Oh my gosh, I reply, I am so sorry. Please believe that I begged him not to write that. He was just messing around, but it's still terrible. I begged him not to write that. Please don't be angry with me. I am so so so sorry.
No response.
I got the chance to talk to & later on. We both agreed that what my friend had done was absolutely awful (he tells me that he apologized for it, but since * won't talk to me I can't know that for sure), and & berated me for not taking her advice, which I deserved. She said to just back off, if anything happens in the future then that's cool but it might not. She says that * probably wasn't interested in me anyway (which I assume * told her, and therefore the way that I've seen things just makes that sound so bogus), and I should forget about it.
I agree, but I say that I just wish she would talk to me. If we have to end our going out, I'd like to at least do it as friends, rather than... whatever this is.
No response.
This brings us to now.
As far as I can see, * is not going to be speaking to me again in the near future. She might never speak to me ever again. Experience would certainly indicate that that's likely. Who knows, though? Last time we weren't on speaking terms she approached me again.
No, I need to stop thinking that way. Down that road lies only disappointment. I need to forget about it, take my grieving period and move on. This has just been such a colossally frustrating experience, mainly because I feel like I didn't really do anything wrong. I made three mistakes, none of which I really think were that serious. I shouldn't have talked to her over text message, that's true, and that was probably the worst, but I said to her several times I'd rather talk in person. There was the thing my friend did, but that can hardly be counted as my fault. It was in no way my doing.
I just feel like I've lost something big here. I'm not even talking about the potential relationship. I'm really just talking about her friendship. Her friendship is important to me, and it kills me to think that I've lost it again, due to things which felt like they were mostly out of my control.
No, it takes more than that to freak me out.
:).
So how come things got so weird then? I thought we were good. I guess not. I'm not sure what changed between then and the morning, but whatever it was must have been big enough to change her opinion, but not big enough to tell me about.
Huh.
Like I said at the beginning of this gargantuan post, I'm not writing this out to harm anyone's reputation, or to say that anyone has wronged me or hurt me or anything. I'm not doing this to paint myself as the tragic hero or the put-upon sad person. I'm really just writing this out because it's going to hopefully help me cope with it and move on. I doubt she'll see it. I don't think anyone reads this anymore. If she does see it, well... that's fine. I mean, she's not talking to me now, so how could it get worse? Maybe it will help her see my position on this.
I should also note again that this is my recollection of these events. If there's any part that makes her seem like a bad person or like she can't make up her mind or whatever, I recognize why you might think that (I've thought it more than a few times myself), but please don't judge her character from it. I'm sure I could be remembering things wrong, and I'm sure that if she told her side of these events it would come out looking differently. Actually, I'd love to hear her side of these things, but, alas, I don't think I will.
Anyway, if you've made it through all this, I applaud you for your resilience, and I thank you for going through this with me. I hope it helps me out. The wounds are still fresh and red, but give me a couple of days. I'll mope around for a bit, write an angry song that nobody will ever hear, and then pick my head up.
Then I'll see her outside, and the wounds will open up again. But they won't be as deep, and they'll close faster. Then the next time I see her, they'll be more and more shallow, and close quicker and quicker. Maybe in a week or so it won't suck so bad to see her anymore. Who knows.
Again, thanks. I'll probably think better of this in a couple days and take it down, for fear that she'll see it and that'll somehow make things worse. But for now, this is all I've got to say on it. Have a better night than I'm going to have.
Goodbye.
-A

A Jar of Lightning Bugs

Do you remember us together
Growing up on Ohio plains?
Those days are over, and now we're older
But things don't really have to change

'96, no neighbor kids to reenact those summer games
So we made good with brotherhood and a two-man relay race
Not twins but close with hand-me-down clothes and the bowl cuts Mother gave
Like blackberries that stained our jeans, those memories never fade

Public pools and nighttime lulls mixed with the smell right after rain
And that lightning bug emotion that I still can never name
Backyard camping, telling ghost stories to keep ourselves awake
We begged on grass-stained knees, "please Summer, stay another day."

Do you remember us together, growing up on Ohio plains?
Those days are over, now we're older, but things don't ever have to change
That lightning bug emotion can still come another way
Memories give more meaning to who we are today



Those are the lyrics to one of the newer Crazy Old Maurice* songs, called Brotherhood. It was interesting to write it, because... well, okay, so, it was interesting for a couple of reasons. For one thing, it was interesting because we wrote it together. Writing lyrics with multiple people can be tricky, because you won't always agree with another person's idea of where the song is going. I've always felt a little strongly about this, because when I've been in bands I've always been the singer, and I feel weird about the idea of singing something that isn't the idea I wanted to convey. So it's a bit tricksy to take the ideas flowing around in three heads and try to mix them together into one cohesive idea. So, it was an interesting experience to write this from a technical perspective.
It was also interesting, however, because the songs that I've been writing lately have been more story-driven, and, at least at their surface level (which is, at this point, the only level I've really read them at), fictional. We've got a song about a Death Row inmate, we've got a song about a ship-wrecked sailor, we've got a song about a man who lost his wife and daughter, etc. None of these things have I personally experienced (again, maybe if you dig deeper into them there's something autobiographical there, but I haven't [actually, you could argue that there are strong autobiographical elements in Devil on the Road, but that's not really relevant to our present purpose]).
This song, however, as you can more-or-less plainly see, is about my brother. Well, strictly speaking it's about our brothers (the implied " we" being Crazy Old Maurice), but when I sing it I think about my brother, obviously. I haven't written a song about my life in a while.
I used to do that all the time, actually. Back in the day, that's all I wrote about. In high-school, I wrote really, really craptastic songs about girls and whatnot. After high-school, I expanded that somewhat to the point that I wrote about other things, such as family (but still mostly about girls). After my mission I expanded it further to the point that I wrote about God and faith and sin and redemption as well as family and life and girls. The connection, though, was always that I was writing about what I was thinking about.
Lately I've gotten away from that, and started writing stories in songs. I don't really know why I've been doing that. And, I mean, don't get me wrong, I don't think it's a bad thing that I'm writing fictional songs; not at all. I like them, and they allow me to explore ideas, feelings, experiences that I don't otherwise get exposed to.
At the same time, though, one of the reasons that I fell in love with music was that it allowed me to share what I was thinking and feeling in a way that makes it resonate within me and those that hear it. I don't think I need to go into a discussion on why music is powerful; you probably already understand that. Suffice it to say, I wrote songs because it was a way to talk to a friend when there wasn't a friend at hand.
So, maybe, we can surmise that if I'm not using music that way anymore, that must mean that I don't need it like that right now. Something else must be filling that niche in my life. So, either the things going on in my life don't require venting to a friend, or I've got enough friends around to talk to that I don't need to vent to music.
I think I'll go with the second one. I mean, a lot's going on in life right now, it seems like, so I don't think it can be the first one. I like the second one better.
Now, this doesn't necessarily mean that I'll never need music to vent to again. I might need it again one day, perhaps when I don't have quite as many friends who are easily accessible. But if this is a reflection of the fact that things are actually pretty good right now, well, that's just fine too.

*Did you know I was in a band? It's true! We're called Crazy Old Maurice, and you can check us out on Facebook to hear our music and whatnot. The last show that we did was the BYU Battle of the Bands (which we won on the full-set stage, thank you very much), and we have another show lined up for the end of January. Cool times!

I Actually Have Been Busking Before, And It Was A Lot Of Fun

For as long as I can remember, one of my greatest career aspirations has been to be a writer. A real writer, like a novelist. Not a textbook writer or a letter writer or whathaveyou, but a real novelist. Once I started getting into C.S. Lewis I expanded that desire into writing what I called Lewisian essays, but novels were still "where it's at" for me.
This desire has manifested itself in many ways as I've grown. Sometimes its manifestation means something along the lines of a short story I write, other times it ends up being an idea for a novel that never really seems to get off the ground. Sometimes it's been quite strong, other times it's taken a back seat to other things I've wanted to do. One time I really committed myself to it, because I thought I had a great idea (looking back, I still really like the idea), and I got something close to 50,000 words before I hit a block, and the story still hasn't recovered from that.
Now, let's switch gears for a moment. I have a certain friend who I met relatively recently, who I have spent a lot of time talking with. We talk about a lot of things, whether it be political theory or astronomy or physics or film or history or religion or whatever. Well, one of the things we've talked about the most is career goals and motivation and desire. Specifically, we tend to talk about mine. More specifically, we tend to talk about my desire to be a writer.
I think this is primarily the case because he's written two books. Don't get me wrong, they're basically self-help books, not at all novels, and quite boring, but still. That's two more books than I've ever written, so I tend to defer to his "professional" opinion and experience.
Often, when this subject is brought up, he'll ask me how much I've been writing lately. Generally I'll tell him that, due to my having a bunch of school things to do or my music taking up a lot of time or spending time with friends or whatever excuse I can justify to myself, I haven't been writing very much at all lately. I don't believe that I've ever told him I had written more than a page.
Why is this? Why is it that I claim to love writing, and to want to be a writer, yet I almost never write anything? Because, it's true; I do love writing. I enjoy it very much, especially when I'm writing something that seems exciting or interesting or new to me. And yet I don't do it very often.
This has led me to think about two things: Firstly, do I really want to be a writer? Secondly, what thing do I love so much that I do it whenever I get the chance and for as long as possible? Because surely that should be my dream career goal.
In answer to the first question... actually no. I don't think I want to be a writer. Well, wait, scratch that. I want to write. I enjoy writing very much. If I get to the point where I can actually publish a book one day, I will do it, and I hope I get there. But I do not think I'm really cut out for career writing. I'm not sure what it is about me, whether it's a lack of discipline or a lack of drive or if I simply have other interests that matter more to me, but for whatever reason I'm not going to be a career writer. It was a sad realization, but it was true, and that was what mattered.
In answer to the second question... okay, I know this is going to sound cliche, but it's music. I can't tell you how many times I picked up my guitar and starting playing the new song I'm working on while I was preparing for my Spanish test today (which I aced, by the way). It seems like every chance I get I'm either playing a musical instrument or thinking about doing it. I love it so much, and it's so freeing and powerful for me, that I really don't think about anything more.
Now, what does this mean for me? Does this mean that I drop everything and go out busking every day, playing guitar on the street corner? No, it doesn't. I'm still going to study English and work on becoming a teacher at some university one day. That's my goal, and I'm happy with it and I'm excited for it. I'm still going to write on the side when I can or when I want to, and I'm still going to try to make it big in music, but I'm not going to really change much as far as my behavior goes.
So, you might ask, what was the point of all this? Why did I feel like this was worthy of telling you all about if it wasn't going to effect a change in my life? Well, the answer is pretty simple, I guess. Self-knowledge. I feel like knowing yourself is pretty important, and that means knowing what you like, what you don't like, what you need and want, and what you were, are, and will be. You can't become what you want to be if you don't know what you were or what you are. So this was actually kind of a big thing for me. It was a shift in priorities and goals, not a lessening, but a strengthening of myself and my resolve. So go check out my band (yes, this was all a philosophical front for plugging my music, deal with it) Crazy Old Maurice on facebook. We'll probably be playing a show soon, and you won't want to miss it.