Wow. It's been over a year since my last post on here. Honestly, for quite a while I had essentially forgotten that this blog existed. In fact, when I tried to sign in again, it took me a good fifteen minutes or thenabouts to get it all remembered and figured out. So, that's cool.
And yeah, this is basically for you, ש. I'm pretty sure you're the only one who's going to read this, which, honestly, makes this all a little different from the last BEAST. Before, I knew it was just for me, to get all this out. Now, it's still for that, sure, but it's also so that somebody who understands one side of the story (I assume) will also see the other side of it a bit more clearly. There's a decent chance you already know everything I'm about to vent about. Maybe not, but que sera sera.
This is a bad idea.
I should be studying. WHATEVER.
REQUISITE NOTES:
1. This is going to be LONG. I don't know if it'll be as long as the last BEAST was, but it very well could be. I'm a writer. I think I have the same sorts of feelings as everyone else, but it takes me longer to say them, I guess. Maybe because I know how many words there are (in a general sense) so I want to make sure I use the write ones. It's a problem sometimes.
2. This is going to be a whiny post (are there any others?), but not in the same way. Well, not in a terribly different way, either, but still not the same. I haven't been wronged by anyone, and, while that wasn't the point of the last BEAST, it was kind of a part of it. Not the case here.
3. This is going to be a bit more disjointed than the last one. That one kind of ran more like a narrative, and this one will be jumping around some more. I'm not sure why, that's just how it's developing. Trouble is, that might make it harder to follow. I hope not, but there you have it.
4. I will likely say some things in here that are unexpected. I hope that's okay. I want to be as honest as possible. Why the hell I want to be that honest, I have no idea. Well, that's a lie, I know exactly why, but I feel like if I say it, that might stop it from happening. Also, it sounds so silly and junior-high-ish when I say it out loud. Goodness I am such a child.
5. Note number 4 being said, this probably does need to be said, but I'll say it anyway. This is a touchy subject at the moment. Any information gleaned herein should be used carefully, not in a cavalier fashion. Thanks in advance.
Oh, and I'm going to try to keep this the same as the others, as far as format is concerned. Addressed to an unnamed, assumed reader, rather than a specific one (ש, for example). Alright.
Le sigh.
Here we go.
So, some background. The perpetuatrix of the last BEAST (*) and I went through another chapter or two, actually, and I even considered blogging about it, but I didn't. I think at one time I was going to put another [EDITOR'S NOTE] at the top of it, just to say "Hey! This was AWFUL!" or something, but it didn't end up happening. So much the better, maybe.
So much the insignificant, probably.
Anyway, that all wrapped up around the beginning of Fall semester, and it's done now. We don't talk anymore, but honestly I'm fine with that. My spiritual infrastructure was pretty ruined after it, and there are bridges back there what don't need rebuilding. Then there was a little thing with ♫ (goodness, I am running out of meaningful symbols here), but that was honestly no big deal.
Other than that, though... this year was a bit of a drought. An extended dry spell. I feel like there was other persuits I made, but they were half-hearted at best.
I was tired. I didn't want to do another last year.
As a consequence, there's really not much to talk about for most of the year. That brings us to Winter semester, post-Christmasthyme.
It brings us to ∞.
(Okay, honestly, I tried to come up with a better symbol. I know, I know, this one does seem a bit cheesy, cliche, and I bet she would think it was stupid [among other things]. Just know that I've got reasons, despite that I won't tell you what they are)
∞ and I didn't know each other terribly well. We'd hung out sometimes, and our apartments exchanged their own comings and goings, but ∞ was dating someone else, and so was understandably distant. Not in a snooty way or anything, just in that I didn't see her all that often. FHE, my own (very) occasional visits to her apartment, and that was about it.
Eventually, I heard that ∞ and her significant other had split ways. I honestly didn't think much of it; we didn't really know each other that well, so it was no big deal.
Shortly thereafter, however, ∞ and ש came by to visit. I think it was after band practice or something (by the way, unrelated, but some cool things are happening, music-wise. Actually, it's not all that unrelated, and there's a decent chance it'll make it into this post later on. You'll just have to stay tuned!), and it turned out that ∞ was actually pretty dang cool. I think she came over at around ten, and ש left around midnight, but ∞ didn't leave until nearly three in the morning. We talked about EVERYTHING. Movies, music, politics, languages, history, our own lives, the incredible places she'd been, the comparatively (and objectively) droll and dreary places I'd been. Five hours, the two of us just talking.
Marvelous.
Honestly, I loved it. It had been a really long time since I felt that sort of connection with someone (you might argue it had been forever, but I don't know if I care to right now).
Now, don't get the wrong idea. I wasn't thinking "OMG this girl is totally into me we should be all loveytimes and date and whatever." That wasn't really on my mind. I mean, I can't say for sure that it never crossed my mind, but if it did, it was only a minor player in my thoughts.
∞ started coming over fairly regularly for a while. Actually, there was a time that I was nervous that she was interested in Sp (and actually, there was a time that she was, I later learned; but that soon passed).
STORY THYME: This is where I tell you, assumed reader (wink), a few stories that will hopefully help to give some background and make my positions more understandable. I don't want to get to the end of the story, where I will almost undoubtedly say "Boo hoo hoo woe is me how come life sux so bad" without giving my assumed reader any reason to agree with me.
So.
Story Number One.
One night, ∞ texts me. Can we hang out? she asks. Haha, um, of course? I say. So we end up inaugurating a new "thing": we went on a walk. We walked through neighborhoods, through an intriguingly silent parking lot, over a dangerous stretch of road, around some apartments, and past some shops before getting home. Maybe an hour, hour and a half. ∞ told me about her life and her family and her work and her past and her future. I told her mine, inasmuch as there was anything remarkable to tell. It was pretty great.
We went on a lot of walks over the next few weeks. We walked around the field across the street, past the hospital, down to the grocery store for apple and butterscotch beers, we walked past the park that she put on a play at. We walked past the white smoke stacks of the power plant. We walked through downtown, past the music clubs, past the police station, past the railroad tracks. We walked through neighborhoods that seemed like they'd been abandoned ever since they were built in the Seventies. We'll come back to that particular evening, actually. The point is, we walked literally all over town, usually for a few hours at a time, and talked about everything and anything while doing it.
Marvelous.
Story Number Two.
This is a more specific instance, but I think about it more often than you'd think. One day I was walking home from school and got into the apartment complex wherein I live, and ∞ was there doing laundry or something. She stepped out of the laundry room and caught my attention, and we talked for a minute out there before she said she wanted to go inside and bade me follow.
We went and spent maybe two hours in her apartment just talking again. We talked about classes and [Alemania] and language and other things, I don't remember it all. It was just nice. It felt good. I don't know.
Is it wrong of me to think this way? I hope not. Yeah, I was developing a crush on her. I love[d] spending time with her, and it just felt good. BUT really I feel weird saying that. I hadn't made anything that could be reasonably called a "move" or anything, other than spending a lot of time with her. I guess that's the concern, so let's take a short detour:
Here's the issue I have here. I fear it's wrong, or sick, or creepy, or whatever, of me to think "Hey, maybe someting more can come of this" when I hadn't done anything beyond what I've said. Part of me feared (and still fears) that if I try to expand this friendship into something more, her reaction might be something along the lines of "What? That's all our friendship was to you? You only spent time with me in the hopes of getting me to date you?"
YES! YES! and NO! NO! And again HELL YES. But still, NO! I mean, no, I appreciated the friendship for what it is and was, and I loved that. Honestly, I did and do, and I would have been friends with her even if I hadn't been attracted to her, I promise (though, in the interest of honesty, it would almost certainly have been quite different). But OF COURSE I wanted more. Why wouldn't I? That's a perfectly natural and understandable and reasonable desire to have, I think. I didn't know how to go about it, though, because seriously, I was afraid that the traditional route would go:
"Hey, would you like to go out sometime? Like on a date or something?"
EITHER
"Is that the only reason you've been spending time with me? To get a date?"
OR
"Ew, um, no, I don't, and now that you've made it awkward, we probably shouldn't hang out at all."
I don't think that these were unreasonable outcomes to expect, my experiences considered.
Yes, she's different from the others.
Maybe it would have been different.
But it's hard to think that way, you know? Much easier to fear than to hope.
Okay, so, back to the story.
We're going to jump ahead now.
WAIT. Above, I said I hadn't made any sort of "move" toward dating, which isn't, strictly-speaking, true. I did ask her on a date once, and she even said yes, but ended up having to work. I know that's not a big thing, but one of my biggest fears about writing this at all is the idea that all it's going to do is expose me as a creeper who watches from afar and does nothing and feels entitled to romance or fulfillment or whatever despite himself.
Trust me, I do not feel entitled to anything.
Usually quite the opposite.
Okay, now back to the story, and the jumping ahead.
Story Number Three
One time I got to have Sunday dinner at her parents' house. Her dad was out of town, but I met her mom and her brother (both of whom were great). Dinner was awesome, and I got to talk to her brother about such nerdy things as 40k, of all things!
Okay, can I just say for a moment:
This girl is something else. You can't make this up.
1. Personally knows (or knows someone who knows) several prominent local musicians who I deeply respect and look up to.
2. Fascinated by languages and other cultures.
3. Swears like a sailor sometimes. She's working on it, but whatever.
4. She plays friggin' D&D. I mean, not that I do, obviously, 'cause whatever, but come on. That's incredible. And her brother plays Warhammer. Good heavens, good heavens, good heavens.
5. Makes me feel great sometimes, like a moron other times, but in an endearing way? Hard to explain. But whatever. It's great.
Story Number Four
There was one period of about two weeks that we spent some time together every night.
Friggin' marvelous.
Friday night, ∞ and ש (and one other person who I am sorry to say I can't remember) came to see my band play for the first time. It was a great show, and I felt great about it. After our set I went to sit with them, which was great.
∞ had got a text from some guy, I guess, about going to see a movie. This part, I'm not super clear on because I only got a little bit of information gleaned from things said to others, so I might get this story wrong, but here's how I understood it: she didn't have any plans that night after the show, and so agreed to go. Later on, ש and mystery other friend left, leaving me and ∞ at a table together sharing my rootbeer bottle and talking about how the band who played after me was really not very good at all. Awesome. And then, at some point, she wasn't going to the movie anymore. So she helped me carry some gear out to my car after the show and I drove her home. She hung her feet out the window and I smiled.
After we got home, I texted her. So anyway, I'm going to go for a walk after all, I said. Want to come along?
Only if we walk to somewhere where ice cream is, she says. I smiled again.
So we walk over to the malt shop and get some ice cream. She off-handedly mentions that every guy she had ended up dating had taken her to the malt shop. I know, I know, I know, she almost certainly meant nothing by it, but I'm sorry, that stuck in my mind. I couldn't not think that was significant.
We left the malt shop and kept walking, eventually ending up in that Seventies-style neighborhood I mentioned earlier. We found a small plot of undeveloped land wherein sat a gazebo, and we spent maybe half an hour to an hour sitting in the gazebo, looking out over the city, watching the moon come up over the mountains, and talking about everything.
How can a person not be affected by moments like that? I'm sorry. I don't know what else to do.
That Monday night was the Ward Musical Talent Show, which I organized. I played a song there that wasn't specifically written for her, but I couldn't help but think about her when I sang it. Just who I am, I guess. I tried not to look at her when I sang it, because I was a little nervous that she would be like "Oh, gosh, he's singing about me, awkward." But I did look, once, and she didn't look uncomfortable or awkward, so there you go.
That night we raced eachother home (who won depends on who you ask, and I say she and ש cheated, but whatever), and so she spent some time at my place. Again, ש left first (she even told ∞ that she should also leave at that time, but ∞ didn't want to). Jr was also in the apartment with a ladyfriend, and so eventually ∞ and I ended up out on the bench.
It was raining. She says she loves the rain, so when I'm with her, I love it too.
She told me I should get my guitar, so I did. I told her a story I had read the day before and played music with it, and I played a few songs while we talked, and by an hour or so into it, I was just playing softly and she was sitting silently next to me.
I wasn't sure if she was just listening or if I should talk to her or what. I wanted to put my arm around her, but I didn't. I wasn't sure if that would be too much, or what. It's hard to tell sometimes, you know? So I didn't. But I did say something along the lines of "You look cold."
I know.
Friggin' Casanova, over here.
She said she was, and she should probably get home (it was probably around twelve thirty or so by this point), and I (reluctantly) agreed.
The next night, I'm pretty sure, Jr and I were at ∞'s place because she and ש wanted to play a game about diseases that I swear is not that fun, and I don't believe ∞ when she says she's won it all the time, because I have never seen anyone win it, but anyway. So, after losing this game (btw, I just lost the game and so did you), and at a loss for other things to do, Jr and ש and ∞ and I decided to go to this abandoned (supp. haunted) jail outside of town. Jr and I had been in it before, so we took them there and went in.
It's a cool place. While we were there, everyone was a little spooked (there were a couple things we found that even spooked me, despite my having been there before), and we wanted to stay together, so ∞ took my hand.
I know, I know, I know! It wasn't a big deal. She wasn't all puppy-dog eyes at me or whatever. She wasn't all "ooh big strong man protect me oooooh" or whatever. I'm not saying she was, or that I thought she was.
It was just kinda nice, is all.
Sorry.
So, for about two weeks, we spent time together every night, at least an hour or so. Not in a hands-holding, makey-outey type of way, of course, though I wouldn't have been opposed. Though, as I've noted, there were some moments that I couldn't help feeling were evocative of... something more.
ש called ∞ my best friend once. ∞ wasn't there, of course. Although I wonder if she's said similar things to ∞ while I'm not there? No idea. Anyway, that's what she said to me. I'm pretty sure it was in jest, but it was weird. Not in a bad way, but like, in a oh my gosh do you know that I have this debilitating crush on your roommate? Am I that obvious? Is this a bad thing or a good thing? Oh well. Back to story time?
There are other stories I could tell. Like maybe the time we went to Denny's when it was already really late just because she wanted to.
Or the time I ran into her as I was walking home and she was late for the bus, so I gave her a ride to work that afternoon.
Or the time we took a walk when she was already pretty tired and she got so loopy around the time we reached the railroad tracks that we had to turn back and I was afraid she would fall into oncoming traffic, so I walked between her and the road.
Or the time she got these big black boots, and she was so proud of them, and I couldn't help but smile.
Or the time we went and checked out that other haunted house, in Spanish Fork, and wandered around the countryside entirely lost for probably close to an hour, and she apologized every two minutes for getting us lost, but I loved every moment of it.
Or the time she made me shave off my mustache (which several people had complimented me on just that day, thank you very much) for fear her dad would... get mad at me for it? Or something? I didn't really understand that one.
But I'm not going to tell those stories, because there's still a lot to cover and this is already getting way too long. Suffice it to say that they exist, and they all contributed to this feeling I had. Sort of a pre-nostalgia mixed with... oh gosh. Heartache. Wow, that feels so cheesy to say. But I'm betting you know what I mean, assumed reader.
See, here's the trouble. She's leaving. She's going off to do something amazing. She's actually leaving fairly soon, and it's always getting sooner.
Don't get me wrong! I love that she wants to do this. Really! It'll be such a wonderful experience for her, and she should be excited. I really do mean that. That being said, though, it would be dishonest to say I wasn't really bummed about it. And I'm a little pissed at... I don't know, fate, I guess? for putting someone this great into my path and then saying "Hey, kid, I don't care whether this would normally work or not, you don't get to find out." I mean, there's nothing I can do about it, and even if there was, it wouldn't be right for me to do anything toward stopping it.
And it SHOULD be that way! How I feel about her and about this whole mess should have ABSOLUTELY NO BEARING on whether she wants to go or not! I have no right to even feel this way!
Okay, detour time.
This is something that I actually feel a lot of guilt about. Do I wish she would stay? Well, yeah, of course I do. I'm not saying that it's what she should do, necessarily. I wouldn't presume to know or say that sort of thing. But it's what I wish she would do. And that makes me feel awful, because what right do I have to have opinions about such things? It's not like we're dating or anything. She has no obligation to me.
I don't have any right to miss her as much as I'm going to.
You might think that I'm making a bigger deal out of that than it is. And you're probably right. But it's tough to unfeel things once you've felt them.
Back to story time.
Story Number Five
So! I love ∞'s taste in music. Serious. When I found out that she was probably a bigger Joshua James fan than I am, I was both stunned and elated.
Marvelous.
So, I said, we should go see that show. She agreed. Well, actually, first I called her and left a message (seeing as she didn't answer), which may have been the most awkward and embarrassing messages of my entire life. Nonetheless, when I saw her next she said she would get work off and we'd be able to go to the show. She was able to get work off, and so I went and bought the tickets. I was a little nervous about that. We hadn't called it a date, but what I was doing clearly pushed it basically into 'date' territory, as long as she didn't insist on reimbursing me for the ticket (which she didn't, thank goodness).
When she found out I bought the tickets, I couldn't tell if she was put off by that or not at first. Now I don't think she was, or at least, if she was, she got over it, but at the time I was a little concerned that my decision was going to make it an awkward night, with her being all "hey, this isn't a date, just so you know. Don't be thinking you're getting somewhere with me or whatever" and me being all "oh, yeah, that's totally cool, whatever, I don't even care about that," which would have been a colossal lie, and would have made it an awkward night.
It was not. Holy gosh, it was great. First of all, the show was phenomenal. Just incredible. It always is, of course, but this was especially good.
And she wasn't awkward and neither was I (or so I think! I guess maybe I was without realizing it? But anyway). She was a little pissed about something that happened at work, but we still had a great time, I think. We loved the music, and talked a lot. We went and got frosties afterward, and ate them in the car, and just talked for a bit before heading in.
Marvelous.
Oh, wait, here's another detour:
So, the things we had done previous to this weren't really dates. Our walks and the trip to the malt shop were certainly date-like, in that they shared certain characteristics of dates, but they weren't dates, strictly-speaking. I feel like they were more like what people who are dating do on a more regular basis.
Just talking a walk.
Just going to a show.
Just talking on a bench in the rain with a guitar.
Just getting some ice cream.
Just, you know, watching the moon rise from a gazebo overlooking the city.
Friggin' Casanova over here.
Whatever.
And on these date-like excursions, I acted a certain way. I mean, don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that I put up a front or that I made up things or I tried to be all cool or whatever. I just mean that I didn't try to hold her hand or walk her to her door; I did that once, and I would usually walk her to her stairs and make sure she got home, but I didn't walk her right to the door because that's what you do on a DATE and then you hug, and is that appropriate for right now? I HAVE NO IDEA. I never do. So I didn't do it.
But THIS was different. This was now a DATE (or, at least, I'm pretty sure she'd agree about that. As you've seen from my previous posts, though, I'm pretty awful at understanding the mind of whichever lady I'm interested in, and it's never been harder than this). Was I supposed to act different? Should I try to hold her hand? Or at least put my hand on her shoulder or something? Or should I act just like I had before?
I never have any idea how to act in these situations.
Anyway. Detour over.
Back to story time!
Not really. That's about the end of story time. The whole thing boils down to this: I have a crush on a girl. I really, really like her a lot. I have no idea whether she feels anything similar, and I can't see a tactful way of finding out without imposing on her roommates to basically spy for me. Which, by the way, if the would do, I would be eternally grateful. Hint. But I cannot explicitly ask it of them. I would feel... I dunno. I can't do that. It's against my rules.
Now, you might say, "Well, you could just ask her, right? I mean, what's the big deal?" you might say, as if you've never experienced this before in your life.
I can't ask her for a million stupid reasons and one (I think) good one: either she says no, which sucks and makes everything super awkward, or she says yes and then what? What comes after that? Either she says "I like you too but too bad I'm still leaving, sorry, maybe I'll see you in eighteen months" or I'm basically asking her to change her plans around for me, who should have nothing to do with her plan-making (see above).
Anyway.
So I have a crush on this girl.
Marvelous.
Not really sure what to do about it.
Chances are, the best thing to do is nothing. For now, at least.
But of course, I can't help but wonder if (or hope) action wouldn't be better.
I mean, it probably wouldn't be. But what the hell do I know?
Friggin' Casanova over here.
Whatever.
This might end up just raising more questions (hopefully not problems) than it answers. With the last BEAST, I wrote it all out because I hoped that would help me get over it. I don't have any such ideas attached to this one. That's not really the point. Is there a point to this? I guess that remains to be seen. So we'll see.
I sure hope so, though. I really should have been studying this whole dang time.
-A
p.s.: I mentioned earlier something cool happening music-wise, but I decided not to say anything just yet. When you find out what it is, you'll know how it related to all this [and it turned out to be only minorly related, so no worries].
