For as long as I can remember, one of my greatest career aspirations has been to be a writer. A real writer, like a novelist. Not a textbook writer or a letter writer or whathaveyou, but a real novelist. Once I started getting into C.S. Lewis I expanded that desire into writing what I called Lewisian essays, but novels were still "where it's at" for me.
This desire has manifested itself in many ways as I've grown. Sometimes its manifestation means something along the lines of a short story I write, other times it ends up being an idea for a novel that never really seems to get off the ground. Sometimes it's been quite strong, other times it's taken a back seat to other things I've wanted to do. One time I really committed myself to it, because I thought I had a great idea (looking back, I still really like the idea), and I got something close to 50,000 words before I hit a block, and the story still hasn't recovered from that.
Now, let's switch gears for a moment. I have a certain friend who I met relatively recently, who I have spent a lot of time talking with. We talk about a lot of things, whether it be political theory or astronomy or physics or film or history or religion or whatever. Well, one of the things we've talked about the most is career goals and motivation and desire. Specifically, we tend to talk about mine. More specifically, we tend to talk about my desire to be a writer.
I think this is primarily the case because he's written two books. Don't get me wrong, they're basically self-help books, not at all novels, and quite boring, but still. That's two more books than I've ever written, so I tend to defer to his "professional" opinion and experience.
Often, when this subject is brought up, he'll ask me how much I've been writing lately. Generally I'll tell him that, due to my having a bunch of school things to do or my music taking up a lot of time or spending time with friends or whatever excuse I can justify to myself, I haven't been writing very much at all lately. I don't believe that I've ever told him I had written more than a page.
Why is this? Why is it that I claim to love writing, and to want to be a writer, yet I almost never write anything? Because, it's true; I do love writing. I enjoy it very much, especially when I'm writing something that seems exciting or interesting or new to me. And yet I don't do it very often.
This has led me to think about two things: Firstly, do I really want to be a writer? Secondly, what thing do I love so much that I do it whenever I get the chance and for as long as possible? Because surely that should be my dream career goal.
In answer to the first question... actually no. I don't think I want to be a writer. Well, wait, scratch that. I want to write. I enjoy writing very much. If I get to the point where I can actually publish a book one day, I will do it, and I hope I get there. But I do not think I'm really cut out for career writing. I'm not sure what it is about me, whether it's a lack of discipline or a lack of drive or if I simply have other interests that matter more to me, but for whatever reason I'm not going to be a career writer. It was a sad realization, but it was true, and that was what mattered.
In answer to the second question... okay, I know this is going to sound cliche, but it's music. I can't tell you how many times I picked up my guitar and starting playing the new song I'm working on while I was preparing for my Spanish test today (which I aced, by the way). It seems like every chance I get I'm either playing a musical instrument or thinking about doing it. I love it so much, and it's so freeing and powerful for me, that I really don't think about anything more.
Now, what does this mean for me? Does this mean that I drop everything and go out busking every day, playing guitar on the street corner? No, it doesn't. I'm still going to study English and work on becoming a teacher at some university one day. That's my goal, and I'm happy with it and I'm excited for it. I'm still going to write on the side when I can or when I want to, and I'm still going to try to make it big in music, but I'm not going to really change much as far as my behavior goes.
So, you might ask, what was the point of all this? Why did I feel like this was worthy of telling you all about if it wasn't going to effect a change in my life? Well, the answer is pretty simple, I guess. Self-knowledge. I feel like knowing yourself is pretty important, and that means knowing what you like, what you don't like, what you need and want, and what you were, are, and will be. You can't become what you want to be if you don't know what you were or what you are. So this was actually kind of a big thing for me. It was a shift in priorities and goals, not a lessening, but a strengthening of myself and my resolve. So go check out my band (yes, this was all a philosophical front for plugging my music, deal with it) Crazy Old Maurice on facebook. We'll probably be playing a show soon, and you won't want to miss it.
